Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Transformers review

There might be spoilers, but not really; there's nothing to spoil.

Don't let the rumor that the Transformers movie is not as bad as everyone thought it would be, ('specialy for a Bay film) fool you. Remember when Dungeons & Dragons: the movie came out and all the D&D fanboys were saying it didn't suck that much, until a year later they had to admit it was an abomination? I think we're seeing the same thing with the TF fanboys.

Yes, this movie IS bad. But worse, it's boring. An action flick can get away with a sucky story, but not if the action sequences are boring. I don't know why people say that the story doesn't matter because it's Micheal Bay. And with Bay, it's all about the mind blowing action. Seriously? I'm sorry, but Bay can't direct a fight sequence for his dear life. I'm sure he's good at directing commercials (and yeah, I know the irony that Transformers is a 2 hours toy ad), but not fights and combat. Now mix that with the design flaws of the Autobots and Decepticons and you've got one long boring action sequence where you don't know who is who. The new designs look like big piles of junkyard. It's as if Rob Liefield got a job at ILM building 3d models. Too much details, no personalities. The old G1 designs were probably outdated, but the new ones are just worse. At one point an Autobot gets killed by Megatron, but I couldn't even tell who it was because most Transformers are designed like grey masses of scrap metal in their robot form (later it turned out the slain robot was Jazz, the token black guy). The designs have no personality and neither do their own personalities. You don't really give a damn about these robots. The only one who you really notice is Frenzy (the radio) and that's only because he's annoying as fuck.

If at least the action had been exciting, the stupid story wouldn't be so obvious. The Autobots are looking for a pair of glasses on which Megatron inscribed the location of the Allspark cube, with which the Decepticons can conquer the world. Problem is, the Autobots where not present when Megatron inscribed the location of the Allspark cube on the glasses. So how the hell do the Autobots know that?? Then at the end Optimus tells Sam (the human hero) that if they can't stop the Decepticons, he needs to shove the Allspark cube in his chest, which will destroy Optimus, but the cube as well. That's supposed to be the moral of the story about sacrifice. But Sam shoves the cube in Megatron, which kills the bad guy's boss and saves the day. If there was no need for sacrifice, why didn't Optimus tell him to shove the cube in Megatron?? That makes Prime's willingless to sacrifice his life meaningless.

So to conclude, as unlike what TF fans feared, Micheal Bay didn't rape my childhood. He bored it to death.


Anonymous DryaUnda said...

Jazz was black? Didn't he have white bodywork?

12:53 AM  
Blogger Eric said...

Haven't seen it.
I'm glad I had no nostalgia for it.I was too old already for it...There nothing to spoil for me.

1:03 AM  
Anonymous D.P.R. said...

The first sucktitude giveaway should have been changing the entire chasis for Bumblebee. Trying to make him "cool looking" defeats the purpose of the character...
The sad thing is, this STILL isn't as bad as The Hulk.

1:22 AM  
Anonymous Ori said...

"Cartman owns a South Park, and Micheal Bay gets to keep making movies- there isn't a God!" -South Park.

Jerry Bruckheimer seems to be the only person in the known universe who doesn't realize this, he's allowed Bey to be a director or co-director on everything he had a choice about, even the early seasons of CSI, which is probably why the show had such a shaky start.

On one of the commercials, it said that Steven Speilberg was the executive producer in this- why the fuck didn't HE direct it?

2:37 AM  
Anonymous anders said...

I was considering watching it, and I missed out on TF when I was younger. But then I noticed Michael Bay was directing it.

2:56 AM  
Anonymous Tainted Ink said...

I knew this movie would blow. The more I heard about it the worse it sounded. So many movies are just fucking bastardizations, and this is a prime (pun intended) example. I do not agree that the Transformers cartoon designs are out-dated at all. I believe they could have potentially looked more awesome than Spider-man or Superman or Golem or any other 3D rendition with reasonable faithfulness and respect to the source material. I believe the designs were bastardized for the sake of bastardization. Directors like Michael Bay (and whatever asshole was in charge of Daredevil) have a narcistic need to put their own spin on the source material and change things for the sake of changing them. Michael Bay and others claim to be fans of the source material but that's a load of horse-shit. Any true fan would have too much respect for the source to piss all over it. Thank God I have my original Transformers Season 1 and 2 DVDs. I can just watch them for the 700th time and pretend this new shit doesn't exist.

6:40 AM  
Blogger Sonicdude135 said...

Aww Now i just feel like the minority here =P.

I for one liked the movie. but then again im easily pleased.

Of course I thought the action scenes were awsome. But I also thought the story wasnt bad either. Not GREAT. but not bad.

I guess though that I never watched Transformers as a child, and that also plays a big part in my enjoyment of it. I for one was kinda suprised seeing how violent it was and the language used for something that used to be a kids show. I didnt know the rating on the movie going in. I kinda just got dragged to it by my friends.

also as for the moral of the story. I honestly wasnt under the impression it was about sacrifice. I more or less got a story about human beings and how cruel and corrupt they could be. and why we should be worth saving. so rather than sam taking the easy way and shoving it into Optimus prime's chest (who wouldnt put up a fight about it) he grew a pair of balls and shoved it into Megatrons. proving that the humans arent so worthless and what not. But thats just how I translated. they did talk alot about why they should bother protecting the humans. so thats why I was under that impression.

1:33 PM  
Blogger Sirkowski said...

I think if I had not been a fan of the Transformers in the 80s I would have hated Bay's movie even more because it would make even less sense.

2:39 PM  
Anonymous DOOM said...

I'm just back from watching it, i found it pretty good. But the story could of been WAY better.

This movie was more about the military then about the robots

1:42 PM  
Anonymous Big Papa Smurf said...

I totally disagree with people who think this movie sucks. I saw it 2 days ago and I thought it was just amazing. The new designs suck? They are so complex it is simply amazing to watch them transform into their robot forms. There is so much detail there, I have to take my hat off to those artists and engineers for the amazing job they did with the transformers. I for one am glad that they tweaked the designs from what they used to be. Bumblebee as a Camaro was the right choice. My only problem was that they mad Jazz a Solstice. Not a bad car, but it makes him the smallest Autobot instead of Bumblebee. They could have went with an older Trans AM or something like that (the Solstice choice is obviously product placement on the part of GM).

Now, the story. I actually thought it was a great story, aside from the part about the All Spark. Good idea, in theory, but I just felt it dumb that it turns any technology into a transformer and gives it life instantly. Though, I will admit, hearing the XBox 360 start sounds when it turns into a transformer was funny as hell.

Fight sequences where great, especially when Starscream is fighting against the F-22 Raptors. Amazing.

I give this movie an 8.5 out of 10 and I hope that the eventual sequal will be able to live up to the original (no damn Dinobots or insecticons Bay, you got that).

1:56 AM  
Blogger Lexi said...

I'm a fan of the older generation of Transformers, and I loved this movie. I thought the humor was good, I loved the fact that this was no kiddy movie, and Peter Cullen coming back to voice Prime was a nice treat. At first I read that Cullen was considering the part but not sure that he would. I jumped up and down when I heard his voice. Embarrassing, I know, but you should've seen the other adults in the theater. They were obviously fans too.

@DryaUnda: Jazz's voice was black, or at least sounded that way. Back in the 80's cartoon, Jazz was voiced by Scatman Crothers (not to be confused with Scatman John), who was a black man. Crothers died in 1986, some time after completing his voice work for the Transformers. He has that in common with Orson Welles. *laughs uncomfortably at that sad fact*

1:20 PM  
Blogger Sirkowski said...

Great story? How did the Autobots know about the map on the glasses since they weren't there when Megatron made it? Great stories don't have huge plot holes like that.

2:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, it's partly a commercial ploy, since if you buy the prequel comics you'll learn how Bumblebee pieced together Captain Witwicky's story and how the glasses fit in from old newspaper articles, Ebay and Megatron's navigation logs, which were broadcasted when he was activated for a bit by the captain (and this broadcast is what all the other robots followed to come to earth in the first place).

4:47 PM  
Anonymous AlphaFactor said...

Pre-quel comics, eh?

Heh. As an ironic tribute to Michael Bay, I'll find the comics, and post them onto P2P to be PIRATED.

(and might not even read em...)


8:10 PM  
Anonymous Quiche said...

If you insist...


That's the comic torrent.

8:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I didn't read the pre-quel, but i just figured they all followed megatron to earth after they got his location when great-grandpa or grandpa whitwicky (no clue on spelling or exact prefix) accidentaly activated megatrons beacon, then they intercepted radio transmissions for the rest of the information.

1:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've see the film twice. I actually feel it wasn't that bad. I do agree the Transformers sometimes look like giant heaps of scrap metal(I too didn't realize who Megatron ripped in half until the second viewing.) However all the people that are complaining about it not being close to the source material i.e. new designs and different story line etc., I feel, are just afraid of change. You also have to realize that just because Bumblebee was an ever popular VW Beetle in the early 80's, doesn't mean that VW Beetles are really all that impressive today. I actually like the fact that he kicks the side of the VW Beetle in the film with the door of his camero. Also Megatron was originally based off Hitler and even transformed into a German gun. In the Transfomers comic (I can't remember if this eventually happened in the cartoon series) Bumblebee joins the Decepticons after defiantly ripping his Autobot symbol off his chest. It is fitting that he joins the Nazi-esque leader as he is a German car. All the Cold War and World War references the original show were full of just wouldn't work in a film today. Kids of this generation just wouldn't get it. I also liked the scene in the film where Bumblebee played the old Cars song, "Who's going to drive you home tonight" and later, "Baby Come Back" by Player as way of trying to help Sam get the girl. I thought that was one of the best directed scenes in the film. I am a huge fan of Transformers Gen1 and even the original 1986 animated film, but this version works for this time period. If you people always try to compare things to the past you're never going to be happy with what's in the future.

4:00 AM  
Blogger Sirkowski said...

I'm not afraid of change, I just think it's crap. :-) Battlestar Galactica is much better. Like a million times better.

3:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What can I say... Just an advice: When you write a MOVIE REVIEW you shouldn't TELL HOW THE FUCKING MOVIE ENDS, because many people like to read reviews before seeing it.

Thanks for spoiling the ending, even if it's as stupid as it seems.

1:46 AM  
Anonymous AlphaFactor said...

So you doubted that the autobots would win?

2:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the movie DID suck. it was one big commercial for gmc. all cars were gmc. they started the cartoon only to sell the toys, and now they're using the movie to sell the cars, nothing but glamour shots of the camaro. gay. and what the fuck was that mountain dew and cell phone commercial??? a vending machine turns into a transformer and shoots CANS OF POP AT PEOPLE!??

9:41 AM  
Blogger Sirkowski said...

Anonymous said...

"What can I say... Just an advice: When you write a MOVIE REVIEW you shouldn't TELL HOW THE FUCKING MOVIE ENDS, because many people like to read reviews before seeing it.

Thanks for spoiling the ending, even if it's as stupid as it seems."


3:39 PM  

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