Friday, July 11, 2008

Jesus kidnapped by student

Here's the story: Webster Cook, a student at UCF, went to the Catholic Sunday service at church. He was given a communion waffer, or Eucharist, but did not eat it. He spat it out and left the church with it. Now the favorite church of pedos, the Catholic Church, is not pleased. They are treating this as a kidnapping.
"It is hurtful," said Father Migeul Gonzalez with the Diocese. "Imagine if they kidnapped somebody and you make a plea for that individual to please return that loved one to the family."

You see, for Catholics transubstantiation is not symbolism. When they say the cracker becomes the flesh of Jesus, they really mean it! They are eating the flesh of Jesus and drinking his blood. This magic would be crazy enough, but the cannibalism? BLERGH!

Anyway, student Cook eventually had to return the cracker because his life was threatened. Yeah, you read that right, death threats over a fucking cracker! He didn't even steal the cookie. They gave it to him and he chose not to eat it. Do church crackers come with a DRM? Had he eaten the stupid cracker, he would have pooped it. Remember when the Muslims got their panties in a twist like a Catholic school girl over Mohammed cartoons? People said, at least 'our' fundies are not THAT crazy. OUR fundies want to kill someone because -not because he stole it; he didn't- he didn't handle a cookie in the proper manner.

I almost feel like I should steal some church crackers too. Which is what PZ Myers wants to do.
Can anyone out there score me some consecrated communion wafers? There's no way I can personally get them — my local churches have stakes prepared for me, I'm sure — but if any of you would be willing to do what it takes to get me some, or even one, and mail it to me, I'll show you sacrilege, gladly, and with much fanfare. I won't be tempted to hold it hostage (no, not even if I have a choice between returning the Eucharist and watching Bill Donohue kick the pope in the balls, which would apparently be a more humane act than desecrating a goddamned cracker), but will instead treat it with profound disrespect and heinous cracker abuse, all photographed and presented here on the web. I shall do so joyfully and with laughter in my heart. If you can smuggle some out from under the armed guards and grim nuns hovering over your local communion ceremony, just write to me and I'll send you my home address.

Catholics... your pope was a Nazi and you're worried about a cracker?


Anonymous Rulakir said...

Don't do it Sirkowski. Your religious enemies may send you a poisoned waffer to take you out, and I want to see episode 24 finished.

3:08 PM  
Blogger Sirkowski said...

Ok. X-D
Nobody would care if I did it anyway. So it be a waste of time.

3:11 PM  
Anonymous Pit said...

Oh god, the artist in me is frothing at the idea of getting my hands on one of these magic instant-controversy crackers. I hope this gets turned into the next Piss Christ.

6:38 PM  
Blogger Daniel said...

So I guess my plan of stealing "blessed" wafers and selling them on eBay is ruined... Oh well, I'd rather piss off protestants by stealing a dinosaur saddle anyway.

Seriously though, if anyone is really jonesing for 'em, it wouldn't be too hard for me to find the nearest communion and "smuggle" some.

8:39 PM  
Blogger Krystal Dragon said...

I just laughed, at that. I read the whole thing, I just fucking laughed. Death threats, over a fucking cracker? Dude, what the fuck is up with religion, these days?

9:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should stop this, you're just helping them. They're stupid, not catholic. Stupid !

And probably old too.

You're making free advertisement for them.

11:16 PM  
Blogger Daniel said...

Look, while I can't speak for Sirk, I personally don't look down on catholics as a whole, which is more than I can say for protestants, but the idiocy and dogmatism like that described in the article are deserving of mockery. Such actions are typically the result of delusional and clouded thinking, like that caused by an excess of "piety".

As far as being a free advertisement, I don't think such people are truly concerned about publicity one way or another. If anything, this article serves as just another example of the eugenics of which we should all be cautious.

More importantly, it made me laugh a little.

1:52 AM  
Blogger Daniel said...

*correction, of course I meant dysgenics not eugenics. Blame the need of sleep or public education from the bible belt, either way, I fail, d'oh.

4:10 AM  
Blogger Woody George said...

Yeah, next story please.

9:59 PM  
Anonymous Jezebel1669 said...

The pope may have been a Nazi, but I forgive him that for making Eva into a sexy nun. ;P

6:40 AM  
Blogger sapphoq said...

Now that the heisted hostaged host has been returned, perhaps it can be sold at auction and the proceeds used to pay off a few of the lawsuits brought on by folks who were sexually abused by (a minority of) priests in their youth.


4:16 PM  
Blogger Ariel said...

xD and you hold a gun to it.
"Release the Jesus or we will shoot! (and I really wanna see episode 24)"

10:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You call yourself a benevolent god? Let's look at the record - you're vague, you're unknowable, your unreliable, you let good people suffer and lousy people prosper. You call yourself a father? You're more like a *DEADBEAT DAD!!* -- Bob Allman, God the Devil and...

He's a tightass, he's a sadist, he's an absentee landlord. Worship that? Never!! - Al Pacino, Devil's Advocate

Any other quotes you wanna add? ~_^


2:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I remember someone stole a whole case of Christ Crackers from my elementary catholic school...and no one was making death threats then.

America sucks balls.

8:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually religion in general sucks balls, causes way too many negative effects compared to positive effects.

9:43 PM  
Anonymous JimmytheBold said...

They didn't care about the stolen case of crackers because they were just crackers with no meaning.
When the false god I mean priest holds it up during a service, it turns into Jesus, or so the Catholics believe. And they sincerely insist that THAT IS JESUS and if you aren't Catholic you better back the fuck up off of what is supposed to be everyone's God

9:37 PM  
Blogger Sirkowski said...

The only god is the Cylon god.

11:47 AM  

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